We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
