No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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