I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
