I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
