Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
