Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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