do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
