Who did Billy Mays play for?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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