Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
