Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
