How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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