I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
