after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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