I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
