he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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