I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
