She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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