New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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