I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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