I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
