I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
