his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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