your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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