Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my shit smells like andre
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
