Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just saw a hot homeless man
Fuck appropriateness.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
