my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
