Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
