the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
