I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
