Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
