Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
