the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Randomize
