Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
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