Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
