on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
