I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
