You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
