I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dick very happy bro
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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