I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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