Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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