he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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