FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
