I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
