i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
