This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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