Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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