Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
