oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
