just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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