The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
